Exactly One Year Later…

It’s so quiet that I can hear the Faucet dripping in the bathroom of this cheap motel room. I’m treating myself to it, it’s quite disgusting. But I’ll take anything other than seeing my mom getting beaten by my dad… again, besides I already had my share today.

I remember telling you in this very same room that I resented her, even more than I resented him, I resented her for not fighting back, for not walking away and saving us her own children from the strokes of his belt.
So you kissed every bruise I had, you promised me one day it’ll be better, you promised me if I can only wait, we’ll change the world, in a year when I  turn 18 that’s what you promised. You promised me a new beginning a life, instead of this shell of a one. So I saved up some money, like we planned to, and I’m here where exactly one year ago you promised to take me away from this place.

All you need is love ~ that’s what you said and I believed it, so help me god I believed it with every fiber in my being.

I clung to the hope, for hope was the only thing that kept me going, hope of a future with you.

Exactly one year later, I’m alone. It’s not better.

I have the window open and I feel the cold wind blowing in, it makes me shiver, makes me feel alive, not like the sound of your heartbeat used to but it’s the closest I got to after you.

I try to clear my mind of all the negative thoughts, but I can still see the pity in the pizza delivery guy’s eyes trying not to stare at the bruises on my face.

I smile bitterly, and it makes me wince cause of my freshly cut lip, which makes the tears go down so much easier.

I weep for you, I weep for us, I weep for the future that never came and the hope that faded away. I weep with all my might, and I’m sure that any moment now the pure ache will overwhelm my heart, and it will stop, at least I hope it does.

I know you won’t approve of this, of what I became, but I’ll never know for sure, cause you’re not here, and your promises lay broken like my bones have so many times before.  Funny you’d think the impact my father’s fist against my face would hurt more, but no I’d take a thousand beatings over the pain of losing you.

The feel of the worn out note you handed me exactly one year ago is familiar, I have memorized each and every word you scribbled on it, it gives me a false sense of hope, that maybe it was a dream, maybe you just gave me this, maybe nothing happened.

The wind blows more fiercely bringing me back to the present, and I clench with dear life to last tangible reminisce of you, while the rest wither away underground.

“Happy Birthday Love, meet me at the Love Shack – yes that crappy motel by the side of the road, I have a surprise for you ” Kris.

So yeah, Comments are HIGHLY appreciated and thanks for stopping by

I Wonder

Okay for clarification I’d like to state that this is my first time attempting to write anything like this, I’m usually strictly a poem and random thoughts posting person, but it’s a new year -yes I’m going with that- so why not try new things?

I’m standing near the stairs… trying to stay clear of human contact, sure I’ll smile at the old man’s feeble attempt at joking, and perhaps I’ll even answer a question or two asked by the lady in blue with the judgmental eyes, although she has no business whatsoever to be asking me any questions, but the truth is I pay them no attention cause I’m standing there unaware of anyone else besides her, she’s in a figure hugging strapless red satin dress, it looks marvelous against her fair skin, and strikingly black hair which is held up in a way to reveal the beauty of her elegant features, her wide eyes, small nose and full lips, she’s gorgeous and she knows it.

I look at her searching for any trace of the girl I once knew, but she has scrubbed herself clean, she is no longer the friend I once called my dearest.

I look away no longer able to stare at the social butterfly she has become while I seem to forever be stuck in the caterpillar state, never to fully grow into anything resembling beauty.

From the corner of my eye, I feel her looking at me, my jealous longing look apparently have not gone unnoticed, she’s looking at me with pure pity, and only then I know that she didn’t only scrub her skin clear, but she has also washed away the reminiscent of her once unique soul, she’s no longer the girl sitting with her best mate next to the stairs, making fun of Mr. Smith attempts at grabbing Ms. Johnson’s -now Mrs. Smith’s- attention, she’s no longer the free thinker nor the rebellious friend with plans of running away, she was once disgusted by how women would do anything to belittle their so called friends, and how they crave the looks of men.

I’m unraveled by how she sold her soul to the devil, how could she have let everything she believe in slip away, only to be one of their-as we once called them- mindless puppets.

I stand here feeling uglier and smaller than ever, and I wonder if betraying one’s morals for the sake of fitting in and being accepted is satisfying…

I wonder if behind her stunning smile she misses her old self too.

Please note that comments are appreciated.

A New Year

 

it’s 12 pm. in exactly 12 hours another year will fold it self!!

Yes I’m dramatic in that sense, but really looking back at 2010 I can’t seem to conjure up an emotion…

it has been a dull year, in all aspects!! I don’t hate it no, because it didn’t matter enough for me to hate, but I most certainly didn’t love it either!

And as previously mentioned I don’t do new years resolutions but I think we can all agree that I need change ASAP, so let’s join the cool kids and make a list of things I want to do no?

although I’ m pretty sure next year I’ll look at the list and think “what a huge disappointment this year has been” but at least I’ll  feel something towards that year.

So here’s to change. Cause 2o1o left no shoes whatsoever to be filled, therefor leaving 2011 a clean slate.

 

ps: is it just me or is writing 2011 feels wrong?

 

5 AM Thoughts

It’s 5 am and I haven’t slept
Cause I so foolishly unlocked the box where the memories of you are silently kept
Being out in the light they screamed in protest
I haven’t thought of you in a while which they so deeply detest
I walk through the memories, filled with pain
Seems like all that burning passion is now gone in vain
I stare down at us walking under buckets of rain
Where you out of nowhere decided to hold my hand,
And dance on the sidewalk
Laughing and dancing to the beat of an imaginary band,
So unaware of other people’s talk
How did something so good, end so badly
How could I have asked you to leave, and how could you’ve answered gladly
I tried to push the memories back, they’re hurting me now
I tried to stop thinking about what we were what I know lacked, I tried to stop asking how.
But the memories overpower me, with an accusatory tone
Stating the harsh truth, of how I am so alone
Pushing me until I picked up the phone.
It’s 5 am and I’m dialing your number, a number that I can’t forget
The foolishness of the act is lost of me, I’m wondering if your voice is still like I remember.
So relieved to hear you pick up the phone, except it wasn’t you, unlike me it’s 5 am and you’re not alone.

Charade

Ever feel misplaced?
As if someone threw you in their place
Took away your memories left only…  His body… His face…
All traces of emotional attachment forever erased.
Ever feel confused?
As if your life is being misused
And your body is being abused
With this unnatural situation
Of being an addition to some one else’s life
It comes to a point where everything they say feels like an accusation
Do they ever get tired?
Of living this pretense of a life
Constantly feeling like liars
Do  they ever get tired?
Of trying to keep up with their own lives
Trying to reach higher
Do they ever feel lost, confused and tired.
Cause god knows that’s how I’m feeling… Simply. Emotionally. Tired.

Multiple Personality Disorder

I went out for lunch this weekend with a friend that I’ve known for 11 years,

we were talking about how different we act around people and then a question presented it self was it hypocrisy? us having different personalities with different people.
Personally I didn’t think it was because for example when I hang out with my school friends I can never talk about the book I’m reading or the poem I just wrote or the latest Maroon 5 album or this tv show or that movie, talking about stuff that I actually like is out of the question. because it holds no interest to them it’s like I’m speaking in another language which is forbidden too.
I speak strictly in Arabic about food, the newest restaurant, family stuff and clothes… that pretty much sums up the conversations I’ve been having all last year and will be having the rest of this year. depressing I know…

On the other hand when I’m talking to this friend we always talk about our frustration with our current situation although we both acknowledge that we’re blessed in many ways we still feel limited, we always talk about books-or rather the lack of them over here- and we end up talking about the future our shared hopes and dreams of studying aboard somewhere respectable like Harvard, Yale and what not. We always feel comfortable about expressing our thoughts in whatever way/language we choose knowing that there will be no judgment whatsoever from the other person.Our conversations are always a welcomed change of the mind numbing school conversations I usually have, they constantly leave me hopeful and even more focused on the future.

And then there’s my best friend who’s always pulling me back to the present reminding me to enjoy the little things to live my life as it goes instead of planning for the future and forgetting to live in the now.
My best friend who’s this optimistic-nice-clumsy-everything 80’s-girl who listens to florance and the machine, muse, metric etc. Who enjoys the same tvshows-movies-food-humor as I do.
I don’t think I’ve ever hung out with her and didn’t have a good time. Her spirit is simply contagious.

And of course there’s the cousin, who no matter how much I write I can never really express how close we are. it’s like she’s my backup file she knows everything . She understands me better than I understand my self most of the times. When we’re out or at a family gathering or something a simple look could explain a whole situation. We literally sit in silence and it’s not awkward or anything it’s just comfortable .

I’m the school friend, the life long friend, the best friend, the cousin, the girl who skips a lot, the girl who laughs all the time, I’m the girl who speaks English, I’m the girl that changed schools, the girl you could talk to about TVshows, the delusional sister, the mathematician’s daughter who sucks at math.

I don’t understand how am I supposed to answer that question?
Yes I have “multiple personalities” but no it’s not hypocrisy. Cause I’m basically a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

Uninspired

This picture says it all.

I think they call it “Writers Block” I’m not even sure I qualify for that.

Will be back when inspiration hits.

I Believe

I believe that there’s a bigger picture that I can’t see
And what I’m going through is just a chapter in my destiny
That in order to feel a sense of belonging later lonely now I must be
You may live for the moment but I live for what follows
Thinking of the future brings me hope and hope triumphs sorrow
So what were you asking?
How am I today?
How about you ask me tomorrow

Anything for You

I have been trying to write for about 2 months the only things I could write were bits and pieces of stuff that doesn’t make sense.
Until today I hope this makes sense:

My mind is filled with thoughts of you
Thoughts of me
Questions about who I’m suppose to be
For you to look to make you see
That this is true I’m who you want me to be
I’ll do my hair the way you like
I’ll shave my legs I’ll even bike
I’ll learn to bowl
I swear I’ll strike
I’ll listen when you speak
And if you have a broken heart I’ll fix the leak
You’ll be proud
I know you’ll love me I just need to be found
So look at me
Set me free
Cause I honestly believe
To my happiness you hold the key

Yet Life Goes On

There’s you… then there’s me
There’s that whole society that can’t let us be
There’s love and hate
Then there’s fait
There’s that moment that came a little too late..
There’s sunshine there’s rain
There’s happiness then there’s pain
There’s confusion followed by hope
There’s that split second you’re about to give up but then you cope
There’re chances that turn to be let downs
There are smiles that turn into frowns
Cause there you are... And here I am
Farther from translating this than I had ever planned
There’s you … then there’s me
There’s that whole society that wont let us be